Is it okay to bad mouth your wife or bad mouth your husband? Why it isn’t and what you should do instead.
I belong to a lot of housewives, marriage, and women’s groups online. I enjoy many parts of these groups but there is one thing that I have found to be upsetting and that’s how a lot of women talk about their partners.
I would be lying if I said my husband never upsets me or does anything that annoys me. However, I try very hard to avoid saying negative things about him to others. My mom and I will sometimes laugh about silly annoying things my dad or my husband do because they are often the same things. (Yes I married someone with a lot of the same traits as my dad, I’m a stereotype! ha) But they are lighthearted things and always things we would say in front of them.
It makes me uncomfortable when I see people bash their partners, even if it’s a “private” setting. For one thing, nothing is really private. It’s so easy for someone to take a screen cap of what you say on the internet. While we hope people won’t do something like that, it happens a lot. And even if it’s just in an in-person conversation it can still get back to your partner.
I was always taught to put myself in other’s shoes and to treat them as I want to be treated. I would be very hurt if I found out my husband was talking badly about me to other people. Why should I not give him the same courtesy that I expect from him?
Often when people vent about their partner it’s a momentary thing. Their partner is just getting on their nerves or whatever. The problem is these gripes can change other’s opinion of your partner and they aren’t likely getting the whole story.
Seeking marriage advice from someone you trust and respect is one thing but just flat out venting can bring pain to your relationship and is not fair to your partner.
If the thing you want to vent about is really something that needs to be addressed, go to your partner. Outside sources aren’t going to be able to fix the issue for you. If it’s a bigger issue and you do need help see if your partner is willing to go to see someone with you.
It seems like most of the time these vent sessions are not things that need help though and just require a bit of communication with your partner. Your partner isn’t a mind reader and may have no idea that they did something to upset you. Let them know in a kind and constructive way. This often means taking a bit of time to cool off but do that privately, venting will likely only make you more upset.
Again, I’m not perfect but remember to think about how I want to be treated by my spouse helps me stay accountable.
What are your thoughts on this issue? Do you agree or do you feel like it’s not really that big of an issue? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Emileigh Rogers
I agree, it’s not okay to badmouth your spouse.
I think part of it is because the only joke that’s acceptable nowadays–in general–is the “dumb husband” joke. We can’t joke about dumb wives anymore, cuz that would be sexist, but husbands are still fair game. You only see dumb husbands on TV nowadays, too.
Either way though, it’s not okay. I’d be crushed if I knew my husband said bad things about me, and so I don’t do that to him. Not to mention, marriage is about being a team in a rough world, and there’s nothing that destroys team like badmouthing each other.
Lisa Sharp
Yeah, as a feminist I find it poor that we would degrade males. Yes they still have it easier than us systemically but that’s no reason to treat them poorly or bash them. We all deserve respect.
I agree about marriage being team. Sometimes we just get too comfortable and forget to treat our spouses with the respect they deserve and we want them to give us.
Fran Sharp
You are a wise and mature woman,,Lisa, and your spouse is lucky to have you! ? I try my best to follow these principles, too, And, as a feminist (who would be all over someone who denigrated women and girls) I try to not engage in male-bashing either. That good ol’ Golden Rule is a noble goal.
Fran Sharp
The question mark after the first sentence was supposed to be a smiley face.
Lisa Sharp
I agree on the male-bashing. The world would be a better and happier place if we all just treated each other with respect and how we want to be treated.
Green Bean
It took me a few years to learn this. Not that I did a lot of badmouthing but a few complaints here and there – especially when someone else was doing it. After many many years of marriage, I would never do it.
Lisa Sharp
It’s a good listen to learn, even if it takes awhile. I’m sure I wasn’t as good about it when I was first married.
Betsy (Eco-novice)
I don’t think it’s useful or healthy to bad mouth anyone, much less your spouse.
Lisa Sharp
So true! I’m big on respect.
Michelle
Hello, visiting from Tuesday Talk (co-host) and NO IT IS NOT okay to bad mouth your spouse or anyone for that matter. The way I see it, would we want them doing it to us? I think not. So glad you brought this to I hope many women’s attention. We border on venting, but even some venting needs to be privately done and not out there for the world to hear. I agree, it creates an impression on people before they have a chance to form an opinion on their own of a person. Thanks for sharing.
Lisa Sharp
Thanks for stopping by and for hosting Tuesday Talk. I totally agree. I would hate for people to form an opinion about my husband based on my venting about something that’s such a small percent of who he is but it could seem like that is a huge part of him.
Jessica Cangiano
I couldn’t possibly agree more! Though my husband and I are fortunate to have a very strong, healthy, loving relationship, like all couples, we have our little tiffs and moments when we can hardly stand one another, but I would never, ever dream of saying anything negative about him publicly. I respect and cherish my husband, even if I’m angry with him and he feels the same way about me. To badmouth the other person would be not only against my general nature and belief in the Golden Rule, but an insult to the sanctity and blessing of our marriage (IMO).
? Jessica
Lisa Sharp
I agree! I’m so happy to see I’m not alone in this belief. 🙂
Cindy
What a nice post that really does need to be said. Our husbands don’t need to be put down in public and any complaints etc we ladies have should be kept between our hubbies and ourselves. It is disrespectful and non-constructive to bash our loved ones in public.
Lisa Sharp
I agree. I’m so big on respect. Plus like you said it’s not constructive at all.
Katie @ Cup of Tea
My husband and my dad are basically the same person in quirks too! HA! Isn’t that funny? I didn’t realize it until a few years ago!
I do think talking about your spouse negatively to others just isn’t a great habit to get into. I understand the need to vent a little, or sympathize with a friend when she’s sharing a story about a frustration she has, but it just shouldn’t be done. It can be so hard! But “if you can’t say something nice….”
Lisa Sharp
It can be hard. Thumper was a very smart rabbit though! 🙂
Daniela
It was really painful to realize that the person that you love and trust is talking behind your back, and the worst thing is when I confronted him about his bad behaviour, he kept lying about it.
I felt betrayed and ashamed; he was backstabbing me with my in-laws, my friends, his friends and colleagues at work, really painful experience.
Lisa Sharp
I’m sorry to hear this! I hope you are able to work through this. Sending you love.
Kate T
I completely agree with this article. I hate being in a group of women when the husband/boyfriend/men in general- bashing starts. It is so uncomfortable.
Like many of the women commenting here, I am also a feminist. And the H-B-M- bashing bothers me deeply. Not just because if you believe in equal treatment that should be across the board. But also because I think that this behavior reveals a cruelty born of feeling weak and ineffectual. Like women don’t think man-bashing is that bad because how could they possibly hurt a man and even if they can… well he’s stronger. He can take it. It’s women believing in their own weakness and ineffectuality and it makes me ill.